This weekend, the bar Carl's band was playing in decided to hire a stripper to slink around and serve drinks in a bikini. It was pretty funny because this girl had the body of a fourth grader. Imagine an anorexic shoebox on peg legs.

A little later in the evening she donned a tube-top which she ingeniously also used as a dress. She then got on top of the bar and started squatting down like she was about to grow a huge turd and sticking her crotch in men's faces. I think she made about ten dollars total. Honestly, I think she would have made a lot more money if she would have at least smiled once. Or even if she decided just to puke after every third meal.

While she was doing this, I also got up on the bar and did a dance. I didn't stay up there long enough to get any tips -- just long enough to get a good laugh. I gotta say, my shorts' pockets could have held a lot more money than that girl was able to slip in her garter.

I had a really vivid dream this morning, right before waking up that was so disgusting and hilarious at the same time.

I was in this van going down a busy city street. This van was for employees hired by the government to enforce a no cell phone while driving law. They had this contraption that would detect cell phones usage within a certain radius of their van. And when they discovered someone using a cell phone while driving, they would deactivate their service.

Anyway, I got a call while in this van. The deactivation guy found me out and threatened to deactivate my service. I convinced him through making out with him that he should continue to let me use my phone.

He agreed, but then pulled his pants down and showed me his penis, which he called “The White Worm” because it was seriously like a foot long, and maybe the diameter of an average thumb. The worst part was that it had all these tumor-like nodules and growths all over it.

I immediately woke up and got really embarrassed. Now it’s just funny.

Kurt Vonnegut was my favorite living novelist. He is also the first celebrity I've ever cried about. He was my hero.
Like my friend, Tim, said, "It is a sad day for English majors."

So it goes.

I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different.
Kurt Vonnegut

torock, originally uploaded by .A.A..

I'm helping Carl tighten up his drumming resume. Here's my favorite part of what he came up with on his own.

I've had the song, "Satan Said Dance" by Clap Your Hands Say Yeah! on repeat all morning.

listen

energy-saving light bulb by AA, originally uploaded by .A.A..

I wonder how long it will take before it will be normal to see people in cartoons and illustrations with these energy-saving light bulbs above their heads when they have ideas.

Note: While making coffee at work, there it is very important to constantly be fiddling with your cup, stir straws, creamer, whatever. It is important to look busy, but not so busy that a person cuts in front of you to get the coffee right as it’s coming out. Keeping a close proximity to the coffee pot is certainly advisable.


Here’s a note I’d like to write and leave by the coffee pot signed by Anonymous. Like a really fancy, cursive signature.

Dear Trixt0r,

I couldn’t help but notice you are brewing coffee in the orange handled coffee pot. I believe you are the only fool in the office who drinks decaffeinated coffee because that pot sits there almost completely full, like all day.

I have also noticed that you don’t turn on the burner when you move the caffeinated coffee to the side burner. This may be due to the fact that you are not awake, but I’m more inclined to believe you are filled with hate and jealousy. Maybe your wife emasculates you, or your kids are slobs, but that doesn’t mean you should take it out on us.

Tomorrow I’m going to come here and if I find my coffee cold again I’m going to crack some skulls.

Yours truly,
Anonymous